Separate and/or Connected?

I spent 3 days last weekend immersed in a spectacular conference put on by the Renfrew Foundation in Philadelphia.  With howling winds and drenching rains outside, it was just the right time to be staying in a Marriott hotel for almost 72 hours.  
     
One of the keynote addresses was given by Dr. Daniel Siegel (www.drdansiegel.com), who is known for his very exciting research illustrating the connections between our minds, our brains, and our relationships.  Recently, his groundbreaking work shows how our brain structure actually changes in response to our interactions with other people.  
     
As I sat among the hundreds of attendees during Dr. Siegel's presentation on Saturday morning, all kinds of metaphors and connections bubbled up in my thoughts. Dan Siegel is gifted in his ability to communicate complex scientific and intellectual material in a lively, humorous and memorable way.  Using both the fancy scientific language of neuroscience, and everyday laypeople's terms, he described the importance of being both independent and connected, unique and part of a larger whole, autonomous and relational.  The most intricate fibers of our brains need to be both differentiated and linked.  The same is true for us as human beings.  
     
Of course this resonated for me on a couple of levels.  Earlier in the week, I had spoken with a mother and her 16 year old daughter in my office.  This very intelligent, driven, professional mom had brought her daughter with her this time so we could all talk together about how to cope with stress.  As the young woman described the typical challenges of being a teenage female in today's social and academic realms, she cried and cried and cried. Her mom explained that she just wanted to help her learn ways to cope when she is on her own, so that she can be able to live well when she is separate from the family.  The young girl, with tears streaming down her cheeks and reaching for tissues,  said, "But I don't want to be separate from you!"  
     
Many of us grew up believing that boys were supposed to separate and be independent, and that young women were somehow supposed to stay connected. And as I psychologist, I certainly learned about differentiation, that process where the young adult considers how he or she wants to be similar to or different from the family of origin.  If the truth were to be told, I would guess that young men actually would like to feel more connected to their families, and that young women would like to feel more independent.  And that all of us would like to feel both!  
     
So when Dan Siegel talks about the importance of both dependence and independence, uniqueness and connection, maybe we need to remember the essence of his work, which is that we need both.  Our brains need both.  Our own lives need both, in all kinds of ways.  And let's show our kids that they need both. 


     
As always, I hope you will share your stories.