Doing What Doesn't Come Naturally

James, a 26 year-old with a suspended driver’s license drives his car back and forth to work. His father, Dave, is distraught and not knowing whether to intervene or not.
    
Beth, a successful young woman in her late 20’s, spends so much money buying things for her less well off mom and dad that she goes into debt to the tune of $20,000.

Sherry, a 60 year-old stepmother, is anxious and losing sleep over the possibility of her 22 year-old stepson returning to live in the home again. 

He brings a myriad of challenges, and a whirlwind of chaos to the otherwise peaceful home.  He doesn’t have anywhere else to live.

 
I receive an email from a mom and dad who know that their 20-something daughter has an eating disorder, but she denies it and refuses to get any help.  Mom is asking, “What do I do?"

Ben and Julie have taken in their 9 year-old grandson over the last 2 months, since his mom, 27 year-old Alicia, has shown some suspicious behaviors since her involvement with a new man.  It seems that she is unable to be a mom right now. 

The parents in these stories all have something in common. In each case, they are being challenged to be counterintuitive.  They are learning to go against the grain of parenting as it used to be.  They are asking the very hard questions:

• Do we intervene when our son is breaking the law? Or do we simply acknowledge and step back? 
• Do we jump in and get help for our anorexic daughter or are we supposed to let her decide when to do that? 
• Do we take our child back into the home even thought it is against our wishes right now? 

When our children were younger, it was usually much more clear.  “Right and wrong” seemed simpler, and we knew that we were the parents, the authorities, the disciplinarians, the nurturers.  Now we are in this often muddy place of not knowing whether to parent by intervention, parent by acknowledgement, parent by suggestion, or parent by stepping back.  Often we are called to do what is counterintuitive, what doesn’t come naturally. Where the maternal instinct is to nurture and connect, the best choice may instead be to detach and let go. 

These shifts call for something deeper.  Words like trust, acceptance, and faith come to mind.  When we give up control, we need to have some deeper sense that all will be well in the end.  A client reminded me this week that by letting go of our control, we are often helping to bring about the outcome we desire.

The stories above do not have clear answers.  Some call for greater parent involvement, and some for less.  Each brings its own context of history, relationships, and degree of risk.  In each case we are asked to use our best judgment, and act in a loving way toward the goal of healthy independence in our children.

 
I know that I am often challenged to do what doesn’t come naturally with our 20-something children.  Perhaps the simplest example is that my instinct is to communicate frequently - email, phone, or Facebook.  But if I sent a message each time I felt the urge, I would drive them crazy.  Maybe I do anyway.   One of my challenges is to sit back and allow for time and space between our times of connection. I am thankful to have a husband who helps me to do this.  And if that eventually leads to one of them calling me, then that is even better!

What are your stories of doing the counter-intuitive?  What are your versions of the hard questions?  Please share!