Building Healthy In-Law Relationships: Part 1

Olivia Slaughter and Jean Kubelun have written a great resource not only for mothers-in-law, but for family relationships in general. Their book, Life As A Mother-In-Law: Roles, Challenges, Solutions, has won a Next Generation Indie Book Award. I have had the opportunity to interview Olivia, and our conversation will be presented here in several entries over the next several weeks.  Here is the first installment.


SA: The in-law relationship is always a work in progress. What are some ideas to help parents and sons and daughters-in-law to stay connected through the ups and downs, to navigate these important family ties in healthy ways?

Olivia: When you think about it, aren't ALL relationships
a work in progress? These very same guidelines apply to in-law relationships, as well. However, we do also know that some in-law relationships seem to be more vulnerable to problems, especially for women, and require more attention when problems do arise. 

SA: Can you give readers some general principles to keep in mind?

Olivia: Let’s start with four ideas which are important in all kinds of interactions, and are especially good to develop in sensitive in-law relationships.  These are patience, communication, acceptance and humor.

SA: Can you say a little more about each of these?

Olivia: Yes.

• Patience is a good place to begin if problems erupt. Let things simmer down. Carefully weigh what happened and step back. The problem just might disappear on its own. If it doesn't, decide if it is worth the consequences of putting it on the table. Very importantly,  extend respect at all costs.

• Work on staying in close communication whether by personal visits, phone calls, email, or notes or cards. Pay attention to consistency of contacts and keep everyone in the family included in the loop as much as possible. This greatly helps maintain relationships through any ups and downs. Letting too much time pass between contacts can lead to all kinds of mischief and misunderstanding.  Assumptions may be made that have no basis in fact and may be difficult to undo.

• Accept people as they are. Be considerate and generous. There is much to be gained and nothing really to lose by staying open and positive. In-laws who are able to really listen to each other with understanding and tolerance may find they do not need to change each other. It helps to remember that certain things may be more important to one generation than the next.

• Perhaps most importantly, remember your sense of humor. No behavior helps keep relationships happy and in balance more then remembering to apply this powerful leavening agent to resolving problems and maintaining relationships.

SA: I love that you remind us to use humor, in appropriate ways of course.  It is too easy to forget or misuse this “leavening agent” in times of struggle. 


Thank you, Olivia.  We look forward to the upcoming conversations.  More information about Life As A Mother-In-Law: Roles, Challenges, Solutions can be found at http://www.lifeasamotherinlaw.com.

We welcome readers comments, stories, or additions to this helpful list of guidelines.  Add your comments below!