Building Healthy In-Law Relationships: Part 2

Olivia Slaughter and Jean Kubelun's book, Life As A Mother-In-Law: Roles, Challenges, Solutions, has won a Next Generation Indie Book Award. I have had the opportunity to interview Olivia.  Here is Part 2 of our conversation.


SA: Let’s talk a little bit about whether difficult in-law relationships can heal.  I know from my own experience that it has helped to accept the limits of the relationship, to try to find points of positive connection, and to be open to greater compassion which comes with the passage of time. 

Olivia: Relationships with mothers-in-law often improve with age. People in their 40s,50s, and 60s are more likely to get along equally with their own mothers and in-laws while those in their 20s and 30s  usually prefer their own mothers. As we mature, maybe some of the earlier gnarly issues mellow and take on a different perspective. And so do the individuals
involved.  It is amazing how the gift of time can change our outlook.

SA: Can you share a story of a healed in-law relationship? One which was difficult and grew into something positive?

Olivia: The following true stories came from interviews for my book, Life As a Mother-in-Law, Roles, Challenges, Solutions:

Sharon recalls that she learned to be a mother-in-law thirty years ago, when her son Mark married Julie, whose mother was a “perfectionist”. Julie’s mom had always been critical, so Julie grew up with little self confidence. When Julie and Mark got married, Julie became very possessive and did not want her husband anywhere near his mother. She did not even want her husband to wear a gift shirt if it was from her mother-in-law.  The relationship was clearly strained. 

Mark explained his situation to his mother, calling from work since his wife did not like him calling her from home. Sharon took on a mission to show her daughter-in-law that she "didn't bite.”  She called with invitations to dinner, praised Julie for everything she did or made, and never made comparisons. By the time the second grandchild arrived, Julie was seeking Sharon’s help, more than her own mother's, and now they are good friends. Sharon says that Julie will call and say,"Mom, I miss you. I need to hear your cheery voice."  

And there is Carol, who comments, "Being an in-law is a difficult relationship. When I married my husband, my mother-in-law was very unhappy and never liked me until senility set in and now I am her best friend. I goes to show you that if you wait long enough, life can change."

SA: While we don’t want to have to wait for senility to set in to heal our relationships, the point seems to be that time is one of our greatest agents of healing.  Sharon and Carol each remained open to change, and had patience as they let their in-law relationship unfold.  

Olivia: Both of these personal accounts involved patience, waiting, and not forcing the issues. There is much to be gained and nothing to lose by staying as open and positive as you can. If all else fails, and you run into a "wall," walk around it. Wait. Try again. And remember your sense of humor!


More information about Life As A Mother-In-Law: Roles, Challenges, Solutions can be found at http://www.lifeasamotherinlaw.com.