Parenting Twenty-Somethings

Who Do You Want To Be This Holiday Season?

2010-12-20T07:51:00.000-08:00

This is an article I wrote several years ago, but it continues to be quite timely during this season. Please share your own thoughts and challenges...

Several years ago, my husband and our college age children and myself gathered for a Christmas dinner around a big table in the home of out-of-state relatives. The details are not particularly important here, but what is important is that when the four of us left to drive home, we apparently couldn’t wait to get in the car and let out a collective and negative “Ahhhhh!!!” While the food was great, and we all had more than enough, the mood during the day had been very different than what we would have hoped for on this day of peace and joy and giving. We slipped into disappointment, negativity, even judgment. We criticized one cousin for talking about himself the whole time, expressed anger at distasteful comments, and generally agreed with each other that this was not a pleasant time for us. I will always remember that meal, and in the years since then I have not been proud of my own reactions to it. In fact, some of those cousins and aunts and uncles present may well have been just as critical of our ways.

This is not unusual among families. It doesn’t take a professional to realize the heightened emotional energy that many of us feel at various family gatherings. Weddings. Summer vacations. Thanksgiving. Christmas. Hanukkah. There is arguably nothing more predictable in the field of mental health than the stresses and emotional upheaval which present themselves every November and December. As we get older, there are even more new challenges during the holidays. Aging parents. Parents or siblings who have died. New “significant others” in the lives of sons and daughters. Children who have grown and moved away and are not able to be at home for the holidays. Perhaps the pain of divorce or the energy of a newly blended family.

We are challenged over and over again to face difficult relationships along with the easier ones. We are challenged to engage with folks who bring out the less likable parts of ourselves as well as those who bring out the best in us. We are challenged to seek reconciliation and acceptance, as well as to feel gratitude.

So who do you want to be in your family in this season? Our adult development calls us to greater depth, integrity, and honesty. What does this mean for you during these several weeks? Here are four steps to consider as you anticipate your holiday gatherings:

Try to have realistic expectations. Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at the University of Washington, encourages “making friends with reality.” Have realistic expectations of what can change and what cannot. This might include learning to live with hurt or pain, and even allowing it to be the catalyst for a transformation of some kind. This way of approaching a family event will likely lead to less disappointment and some nice surprises!

Use your emotional intelligence. Notice your feelings and manage them in healthy ways. Our emotions give us good information about ourselves, but it is best not to act on all of them. Notice other peoples’ emotions, too. Can you understand why they might feel the way they do? Can you experience both detachment and empathy in your relationships?

Be values-based. What are your most important values? How are you acting on them or honoring them in your interactions and behaviors? As we get older we are called to greater depth, integrity and honesty. When you look within, what is really important? Is your demeanor aligned with your core values?

Lighten up! Is there a chance that you can walk away from this year’s family gathering and say, “Wow! That was so much fun!”? Think about what would need to happen in order for you to have those feelings. What steps can you take to make this a possibility?

Imagine the even greater possibilities if you share these thoughts with others! Embrace the goal of making this holiday season even just a bit more enjoyable than you had anticipated.

Wishing you all peace, health and joy in the year ahead.

"What Is It About 20-Somethings?": A Response

2010-08-22T19:37:00.000-07:00

I am heartened to see the publicity being given to the topic of "our 20-somethings." The most recent, and among the most widely visible, article came out today in the New York Times Magazine. In "What Is It About 20-Somethings?" Robin Marantz Henig presents a comprehensive and well-researched piece which highlights Jeffrey Arnett's "emerging adulthood" stage of development. She also raises some thoughtful questions about how parents and society might adapt to the changing lives and needs of our 18-30 year old sons and daughters.

Henig says, "We have come to accept the idea that environmental influences in the first three years of life have long-term consequences.....Is it time to place a similar emphasis...on enriching the cognitive environment of people in their 20's?" I am not sure exactly what this would look like, but it is a very intriguing question. What would my husband and I do to provide a fertile atmosphere for our kids at this stage (even though they both live many miles away from us)? Would we ask different questions when we talk to them on the phone? Would we present different opportunities? Or fewer maybe? Would we handle the financial questions differently? Food for thought.

The second question I found myself asking was, "What are some of the ways our society can respond to the findings of studies such as Arnett's and the Network on Transitions to Adulthood?" They are telling us a lot about what 20-somethings are thinking, what their hopes and values and challenges are. Many in this age group have given to others as they have gone through this exploratory time. My own daughter spent a year in Arizona doing volunteer work for low-income populations in the Tucson area. Others have joined Americorps, CityYear, or the Peace Corps. How can we do better at tapping the energy of this generation in a way that fills needs for other parts of our society?

Finally, I was left with a question which lives in the forefront of my work on a daily basis. We all want to be understood. Whether we are 25 or 55, we like to feel that our parents are able to understand some of the important parts of our lives. How does this Times article help me to understand my children better? Which parts are relevant to the experiences of our family? And how can I use this to understand others?

Unfortunately when I read the comments posted on the blog connected to Henig's article, I notice that many of them were quite negative or sarcastic for one reason or another. Yes, this is the price of publication. But there is wisdom here, and it is my hope that when you read it you will find inspiration and some good ideas.

Please share your comments, ideas, questions and hopes...

Getting Back in Touch!

2010-07-26T15:34:00.000-07:00

I have been in absentia for a couple of months, with various family activities which are typical for many of us in these years: needs of aging parents, planning a great wedding weekend for our daughter and now son-in-law, and spending a week of vacation with three or four generations of extended family. I'm happy to find that coming out of the other end of all of that, I am feeling extra good energy for connecting and writing about the surprises, challenges and joys of parenting our 20-something kids.

For starters, here's an opportunity to participate in a survey and interview for Dr. Jeffrey Arnett, a professor at Clark University who is working on a book for parents of "emerging adults". He has authored several books, including Emerging Adulthood, which I have recommended in an earlier blog. His insights and intelligent, new ways of understanding our sons and daughters are comprehensive, validating, and helpful.

Take a look at the survey, and maybe you'll be included in his book!

Parents of Emerging Adults Survey

www.surveymonkey.com

College Grad Wisdom

2010-05-24T18:56:00.000-07:00

Do you have a son or daughter graduating from college this year? It is a challenging world for our kids, and these two pieces give us a window into their world. One is an interview I heard on NPR this week,"Jobs for College Grads", and the other is an article published on the American Psychological Association website, "Off Campus and Into the Real World".

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=127092817
http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/real-world.aspx

How does this compare to when you graduated?

Casting Call for 20-Something Families!

2010-04-27T20:37:00.000-07:00

I received an email yesterday which some of you might find interesting. A woman from a casting company in LA wrote to ask me if I could recommend to her some families who might be interested in being filmed for a "docu-soap" about 20-somethings who are still living at home. When I spoke with her on the phone, she made it clear that they are not looking for experienced actors, but for real life families. Here are some excerpts from the "job description" she sent to me after our call:

For 20-Somethings:

Doron Ofir Casting (who brought you Jersey Shore!) and 495 Productions are putting together a new show, and we're looking for the people that have something to prove and nothing to lose. You were waiting for your moment to break out and this is it. If you're over 25 and living with your parents, we want to hear from you! Let's face it, you're not getting any younger. Live it up while you still can!

Send us your NAME, PHONE NUMBER, LOCATION, 2 PHOTOS, DESCRIPTION OF LIVING SITUATION (Who do you live with?) and a BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF YOURSELF to: LivingArrangementsCasting@gmail.com

For Parents:

Doron Ofir Casting is looking for parents whose children are 25+ and still live at home for an all new documentary series about family, responsibility, and living life to its fullest. If this sounds like your boy or girl, we want to hear from you!

Send us your NAME, PHONE NUMBER, LOCATION, 2 PHOTOS, PICTURE OF SON/DAUGHTER, and a DESCRIPTION OF YOUR LIVING SITUATION to: LivingArrangementsCasting@gmail.com

Now's your chance! Good luck!

Building Healthy In-Law Relationships: Part 2

2010-04-21T05:08:00.000-07:00

Olivia Slaughter and Jean Kubelun's book, Life As A Mother-In-Law: Roles, Challenges, Solutions, has won a Next Generation Indie Book Award. I have had the opportunity to interview Olivia. Here is Part 2 of our conversation.

SA: Let’s talk a little bit about whether difficult in-law relationships can heal. I know from my own experience that it has helped to accept the limits of the relationship, to try to find points of positive connection, and to be open to greater compassion which comes with the passage of time.

Olivia: Relationships with mothers-in-law often improve with age. People in their 40s,50s, and 60s are more likely to get along equally with their own mothers and in-laws while those in their 20s and 30s usually prefer their own mothers. As we mature, maybe some of the earlier gnarly issues mellow and take on a different perspective. And so do the individuals
involved. It is amazing how the gift of time can change our outlook.

SA: Can you share a story of a healed in-law relationship? One which was difficult and grew into something positive?

Olivia: The following true stories came from interviews for my book, Life As a Mother-in-Law, Roles, Challenges, Solutions:

Sharon recalls that she learned to be a mother-in-law thirty years ago, when her son Mark married Julie, whose mother was a “perfectionist”. Julie’s mom had always been critical, so Julie grew up with little self confidence. When Julie and Mark got married, Julie became very possessive and did not want her husband anywhere near his mother. She did not even want her husband to wear a gift shirt if it was from her mother-in-law. The relationship was clearly strained.

Mark explained his situation to his mother, calling from work since his wife did not like him calling her from home. Sharon took on a mission to show her daughter-in-law that she "didn't bite.” She called with invitations to dinner, praised Julie for everything she did or made, and never made comparisons. By the time the second grandchild arrived, Julie was seeking Sharon’s help, more than her own mother's, and now they are good friends. Sharon says that Julie will call and say,"Mom, I miss you. I need to hear your cheery voice."

And there is Carol, who comments, "Being an in-law is a difficult relationship. When I married my husband, my mother-in-law was very unhappy and never liked me until senility set in and now I am her best friend. I goes to show you that if you wait long enough, life can change."

SA: While we don’t want to have to wait for senility to set in to heal our relationships, the point seems to be that time is one of our greatest agents of healing. Sharon and Carol each remained open to change, and had patience as they let their in-law relationship unfold.

Olivia: Both of these personal accounts involved patience, waiting, and not forcing the issues. There is much to be gained and nothing to lose by staying as open and positive as you can. If all else fails, and you run into a "wall," walk around it. Wait. Try again. And remember your sense of humor!

More information about Life As A Mother-In-Law: Roles, Challenges, Solutions can be found at http://www.lifeasamotherinlaw.com.

Building Healthy In-Law Relationships: Part 1

2010-03-27T09:29:00.000-07:00

Olivia Slaughter and Jean Kubelun have written a great resource not only for mothers-in-law, but for family relationships in general. Their book, Life As A Mother-In-Law: Roles, Challenges, Solutions, has won a Next Generation Indie Book Award. I have had the opportunity to interview Olivia, and our conversation will be presented here in several entries over the next several weeks. Here is the first installment.

SA: The in-law relationship is always a work in progress. What are some ideas to help parents and sons and daughters-in-law to stay connected through the ups and downs, to navigate these important family ties in healthy ways?

Olivia: When you think about it, aren't ALL relationships
a work in progress? These very same guidelines apply to in-law relationships, as well. However, we do also know that some in-law relationships seem to be more vulnerable to problems, especially for women, and require more attention when problems do arise.

SA: Can you give readers some general principles to keep in mind?

Olivia: Let’s start with four ideas which are important in all kinds of interactions, and are especially good to develop in sensitive in-law relationships. These are patience, communication, acceptance and humor.

SA: Can you say a little more about each of these?

Olivia: Yes.

Patience is a good place to begin if problems erupt. Let things simmer down. Carefully weigh what happened and step back. The problem just might disappear on its own. If it doesn't, decide if it is worth the consequences of putting it on the table. Very importantly, extend respect at all costs.

Work on staying in close communication whether by personal visits, phone calls, email, or notes or cards. Pay attention to consistency of contacts and keep everyone in the family included in the loop as much as possible. This greatly helps maintain relationships through any ups and downs. Letting too much time pass between contacts can lead to all kinds of mischief and misunderstanding. Assumptions may be made that have no basis in fact and may be difficult to undo.

Accept people as they are. Be considerate and generous. There is much to be gained and nothing really to lose by staying open and positive. In-laws who are able to really listen to each other with understanding and tolerance may find they do not need to change each other. It helps to remember that certain things may be more important to one generation than the next.

Perhaps most importantly, remember your sense of humor. No behavior helps keep relationships happy and in balance more then remembering to apply this powerful leavening agent to resolving problems and maintaining relationships.

SA: I love that you remind us to use humor, in appropriate ways of course. It is too easy to forget or misuse this “leavening agent” in times of struggle.

Thank you, Olivia. We look forward to the upcoming conversations. More information about Life As A Mother-In-Law: Roles, Challenges, Solutions can be found at http://www.lifeasamotherinlaw.com.

We welcome readers comments, stories, or additions to this helpful list of guidelines. Add your comments below!

Favorite Links for Parents of 20-Somethings

2010-03-15T20:12:00.000-07:00

As promised some weeks back, here are some of my favorite resources for all of us moms and dads as we traverse this part of our parenting journeys. There’s a little of everything here. Check them out!

Adult Children Living at Home, http://www.adultchildrenlivingathome.com/

Christina Newbury has created a very helpful book and website for parents who find themselves living once again with their young adult children. I have purchased her book, Surviving Adult Children Living At Home, and it is filled with all kinds of
wisdom and practical advice for both parents and twenty-something children.

Christine Hassler, www.christinehassler .com

Christine was in her twenties when her life turned upside down and she realized she needed to make a change. So she wrote Twenty-Something, Twenty-Everything, which is a great guide for young adult women. Christine is an active blogger, speaker, and coach. I have found her sites and thoughts to be helpful to parents as they strive to understand the lives of their 20-somethings.

Jeffrey Arnett, http://www.jeffreyarnett.com/articles.htm

Dr. Arnett has made quite a name for himself in this area. He created the term, “emerging adult”, which I find to be the most meaningful term to describe twenty-something young men and women. His books and research are described on his website, all of which are essential resources for anybody striving to understand this group more clearly.

Linda Gordon and Susan Shaffer, http://blog.parentingroadmaps.com/

This site offers a great selection of articles and blogs which address a wide range of parenting questions and challenges. Together they have authored several books, including Too Close For Comfort and Mom, Can I Move Back In With You? They also provide good insights into the differences between men and women, girls and boys.

Life As A Mother-In-Law: Roles, Challenges, Solutions, http://www.lifeasamotherinlaw.com/

Olivia Slaughter and Jean Kubelun have written a great resource not only for mothers in law, but for family relationships in general. Their book has won a Next Generation Indie Book Award! Keep an eye out for my interview with Olivia in the next couple of weeks on this blog.

Finding a Silver Lining in This Economic Cloud (or, Can It Be Good to Help Our Kids Out?)

2010-02-28T13:33:00.000-08:00

Jim and Ellie come into the office exhausted. For the past five weeks, they have been caring for their 7 year old grandson Brian, ever since Brian’s father lost his job and the family had to move in with Mom and Dad.

Emma looks weary as we walk by each other in the parking lot outside the office. She has two of her grandchildren with her, each of them holding a tennis racquet and appearing to be excited about what’s next on the day’s schedule. Emma has been picking the kids up after school ever since her daughter and her husband could no longer afford day care for the kids after school.

A middle aged couple finds themselves in frequent conflict because one believes they should be paying their daughter’s rent since her money is so tight, and the other believes

she should be able to “tough it out.” Their disagreement is taking a toll on the mood at home.

You have heard these stories. Maybe you are living one of them. Situations like these are everywhere we look. The numbers of young adults needing support from Mom and Dad or moving back home have increased exponentially in the last year and a half,

as the country’s economic recession has taken hold (www.pewsocialtrends.org). An article in the AARP Bulletin in late 2009 is only one of many which chronicle the stories of families taking in their twenty- or thirty-something sons or daughters during times of financial hardship (http://bulletin.aarp.org/yourworld/family/articles/goodbye_jobs_hello_mom_and_dad_say_young_adults.html).

There is a lot of debate about how much support we give to our kids after a certain age. It does seem to be a little different when the need is an acute financial situation out of anybody’s control. After all, we can look across many cultures and over many centuries to see that families come together when resources are limited. Family members help each other out.

Nonetheless, this brings significant stressors to all involved. A strain on the budget, maybe more cooks in the kitchen, and major changes in the general environment of the home. It may be that a predictable, relatively calm home becomes a place more closely resembling a beehive, with the buzz of constant activity.

Yet there may be wonderful opportunities in this. It is always a good goal to try to know our children’s worlds as well as we can, within reason. Not in a nosey way, but in such a way that they can feel understood and that we can feel connected in more than a superficial way. (I will not pretend that I have always been successful at this, but I try!) Supporting our adult children through this economy, not only financially, can provide a chance to know them and understand their worlds a little better. It may be that you have more conversations, spend more time together, or set goals together and work out problems in a more adult way than in previous years.

Providing financial support does not mean that the parent-child dynamic needs to return to the “top down” model of earlier years. It is the challenge of moms and dads to set a level playing field whenever possible, and to encourage mature thinking and decision making on the part of our twenty-somethings. Of course this depends on many things, such as each person’s attitude, mental health, and the history of the relationship. It’s difficult if not impossible to treat somebody as an adult if they are sitting on the couch all day and not taking on appropriate responsibility, or if either party is overly argumentative or even abusive. But when our kids are doing the best they can do (not to be confused with doing what we think they should be doing!), and everybody is working toward a healthy adult relationship, then this difficult time in our country can in fact become a time for each of us to stretch and grow in the interest of strengthening our ties to the most important people in our lives.

Below are a couple of links to related articles which might be of interest to both parents and grandparents through this tough time:

http://www.aarpmagazine.org/family/kids_afloat.html

http://www.schwabmoneywise.com/views/ask-carrie/kids-and-teens/helping-young-adults-means-more-than-writing-a-check.php

http://idahoptv.org/dialogue/gap/

http://www.cyfernet.org/pagelist.php?mode=b&c=1255

Dr. Susan E. Allen is a Licensed Psychologist and Writer. Her many years of work with young adults and their families has inspired the Parenting Twenty-Somethings blog. She is currently working on a book for parents of twenty-somethings. Other recent publications include her ebook, Leaving the Labyrinth: 25 Activities for Living Well After an Eating Disorder. Go to www.susaneallen.net for more information.

Doing What Doesn't Come Naturally

2010-02-04T12:52:00.000-08:00

James, a 26 year-old with a suspended driver’s license drives his car back and forth to work. His father, Dave, is distraught and not knowing whether to intervene or not.

Beth, a successful young woman in her late 20’s, spends so much money buying things for her less well off mom and dad that she goes into debt to the tune of $20,000.

Sherry, a 60 year-old stepmother, is anxious and losing sleep over the possibility of her 22 year-old stepson returning to live in the home again.

He brings a myriad of challenges, and a whirlwind of chaos to the otherwise peaceful home. He doesn’t have anywhere else to live.

I receive an email from a mom and dad who know that their 20-something daughter has an eating disorder, but she denies it and refuses to get any help. Mom is asking, “What do I do?"

Ben and Julie have taken in their 9 year-old grandson over the last 2 months, since his mom, 27 year-old Alicia, has shown some suspicious behaviors since her involvement with a new man. It seems that she is unable to be a mom right now.

The parents in these stories all have something in common. In each case, they are being challenged to be counterintuitive. They are learning to go against the grain of parenting as it used to be. They are asking the very hard questions:

Do we intervene when our son is breaking the law? Or do we simply acknowledge and step back?
Do we jump in and get help for our anorexic daughter or are we supposed to let her decide when to do that?
Do we take our child back into the home even thought it is against our wishes right now?

When our children were younger, it was usually much more clear. “Right and wrong” seemed simpler, and we knew that we were the parents, the authorities, the disciplinarians, the nurturers. Now we are in this often muddy place of not knowing whether to parent by intervention, parent by acknowledgement, parent by suggestion, or parent by stepping back. Often we are called to do what is counterintuitive, what doesn’t come naturally. Where the maternal instinct is to nurture and connect, the best choice may instead be to detach and let go.

These shifts call for something deeper. Words like trust, acceptance, and faith come to mind. When we give up control, we need to have some deeper sense that all will be well in the end. A client reminded me this week that by letting go of our control, we are often helping to bring about the outcome we desire.

The stories above do not have clear answers. Some call for greater parent involvement, and some for less. Each brings its own context of history, relationships, and degree of risk. In each case we are asked to use our best judgment, and act in a loving way toward the goal of healthy independence in our children.

I know that I am often challenged to do what doesn’t come naturally with our 20-something children. Perhaps the simplest example is that my instinct is to communicate frequently - email, phone, or Facebook. But if I sent a message each time I felt the urge, I would drive them crazy. Maybe I do anyway. One of my challenges is to sit back and allow for time and space between our times of connection. I am thankful to have a husband who helps me to do this. And if that eventually leads to one of them calling me, then that is even better!

What are your stories of doing the counter-intuitive? What are your versions of the hard questions? Please share!

Facebook Families

2010-01-29T12:29:00.000-08:00

I made the leap a few months ago. I had resisted for a long time, and finally decided to join Facebook. The first week or two were a blast. My husband and I both found old friends right away. It felt like we were having a virtual dorm party with old college friends. Looking at old pictures and catching up with folks has been great. I worried at first about getting too obsessed with it, but over all have tried to use it well and within reason (sometimes more successfully than others!)

When I first signed on, I worried that I would be privy to way more information than I wanted to know about the lives of our two 20-something children. I had made a deal with myself that I would not initiate “friending” them or any of their friends, but that if they invited me to be their Facebook friend, then of course I would.

And they did. For me it has been a good thing. I like the added connection, and welcome the new window into their world. I don’t believe I abuse it or overuse it, and I hope they would agree.

Facebook can be fun, educational, beneficial to our social lives and careers, and can even be inspirational. Facebook can also be hurtful, a huge waste of time, and even dangerous. It is no surprise that Facebook has impacted family relationships, and is being brought into the therapy office with increasing frequency. A grandmother practically shouts as she reports that “my daughter-in-law de-friended me on Facebook! I can’t believe it! I am so hurt!” A couple in their fifties say, “We really don’t need to see the pictures our kids post on their Wall. TMI!” Another mom was heartbroken to read comments on her son’s page that suggested his drug use.

We are living in a whole new landscape of family relationships and communication possibilities. Relatives who may never even talk on the phone or share a meal together can now spy on each other via their Walls or through comments posted by friends of friends. We each need to decide whether we want to be a part of the Facebook world or not. If we choose to participate then we will do well to set our own limits, including time limits, security related limits, and limits to what we share and with whom.

Is your family a Facebook family? If so, are you finding it to be a good thing? Or are you one of those that has a horrific story to tell about what you have found there? Are you “friends” with your twenty-something children? How is that working for you?

Please add your stories below in the comment section....

P.S. This is my first entry of the New Year. Over the past several weeks I found myself hyper-focused on completing another project, which some of you may be interested in checking out. Leaving the Labyrinth: 25 Activities for Living Well After an Eating Disorder is a self-help e-book for people who have struggled with disordered food behaviors, and are trying to live into a balanced, healthy life. Click on the link if you are curious...

A Mother's Intentions for a New Year

2009-12-29T19:30:00.000-08:00

I am not a fan of New Year’s resolutions. I do, however, see the closing of one year and the opening of the next to be an opportunity for a little self-reflection, some evaluation of what has been, and creating a vision for what lies ahead. I believe in setting intentions. That way the thought is out there, but the odds of failure are much smaller. Here are some of the intentions I bring into 2010, especially regarding my role as a mom to a 24 year-old daughter who is being married in June, and a 26 year-old son who is making plans to launch his own recording label and tour the country doing what he loves - playing his guitar and singing his songs.

It is my intention to do better at asking the right questions. Not the questions that sound nosey or obnoxious, but the questions that help me to know you better. How are you? How is the living situation going? What is new in your job? What are the challenges? How is your relationship going? What are you working on? What’s been fun lately? And it is my intention to listen to your responses.
It is my intention to worry less. I’m not sure my kids have any idea of

the frequency or content of my worries about them. As a member of our recent Parenting Twenty-Somethings group said, “It doesn’t do them any good to know we are worrying about them!” I will work on letting go of the unnecessary worries.

It is my intention to be a really good mother-of-the-bride. (Is there such a thing?) I want to be helpful, calm, smart, open to all ideas, non-dominant, fun, creative, cooperative, accepting of crazy ideas, and full of wisdom to share. And I can’t forget the checkbook.
It is my intention to recognize and talk about things that you have accomplished. I often remind parents of younger children to “catch them being good.” That should not stop when you leave home. And “accomplishment” is a relative term. We all set the bar a little differently.
It is my intention to travel to where you are. We always love to be in your world. It helps us to know you better, and we have a lot of fun doing it.
It is my intention to give you birthday and Christmas presents that are what YOU want or need, not what I think you want or need.
It is my intention to be patient. You are in a transitional part of life, and I hope you enjoy it in all of its struggles, all of its fun, all of its unknowns. It’s okay if you take a long time to get to the point of self-sufficiency and settling down, if in fact you get there at all.
It is my intention to have fun together. Now and whenever and forever more.

Five Favorite Books

2009-12-07T08:21:00.000-08:00

Have you ever noticed that when you look in the Parenting section at Barnes and Noble, or if you search “parenting” on amazon.com, you get a plethora of publications for expectant moms and dads and parents of infants and toddlers, and you find quite a lot of support out there for parents of teens and perhaps for children with special needs, but you don’t find many choices for those of us who are parents of twenty-somethings. I believe there are more being published as we speak, and I hope to be adding my own selection to that part of the bookshelf soon.

There are some good books out there, however. They are not necessarily focused on parenting, but they educate, provide perspective, present healthy challenges and offer wisdom to those of us who are parenting in the second half of life. Here are five of my favorites.

Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life, by Dr. James Hollis.

James Hollis is a Jungian analyst who presents wonderfully relevant and challenging ideas in a very readable style. There is heavy material here, but most readers will find they can

connect to his message. There is a chapter specifically on family relationships, which you will find to be pertinent to the dynamics between parents and young adult children.

http://ebooks.ebookmall.com/ebook/232844-ebook.htm

Twenty-Something, Twenty-Everything, by Christina Hassler

This book was written when the author was a 20-something herself, and was written primarily for 20-something young women. I have found it to be educational and tremendously human in its approach. She includes pieces from mothers of twenty-somethings in the sidebars, highlighting interesting differences between the two generations.

http://www.jeffreyarnett.com/windingroad.htm

Emerging Adulthood, by Dr. Jeffry Arnett

Dr. Arnett is a Professor who has specialized in research on this age group, and coined the “Emerging Adult” term. The book is tremendously informative, helping readers to understand the many challenges for this group of twenty-somethings, and going a long way toward answering the question, “Why do these young men and women seem to be doing life so differently than what we have known up to now?”

http://www.jeffreyarnett.com/windingroad.htm

When Parents Hurt, by Dr. Joshua Coleman

Dr. Coleman is popular in the media, helping parents and families in all stages of life. In this book he focuses on very real and deeply hurtful parts of the parent/child connection, and presents strategies, hope and wisdom for mothers and fathers who have felt pain in these relationships.

www.whenparentshurt.com

Gift From the Sea, by Anne Morrow Lindberg.

This 1955 classic is worth reading again and again, at least once in each stage of the family's development. I consider it a real treat, and add it to this list as a reminder to any of you who haven’t read it for a while. Make a cup of tea, put your feet up, and soak it in...

In a future blog entry, I will be listing favorite on-line resources. Your recommendations are welcome. Please send them along. There is a lot out there, and I would never presume to know about all of them.

On Humble Greetings

2009-11-21T06:15:00.000-08:00

Last week our Parenting Twenty-Somethings Group focussed on our experiences of having kids with emotional, psychological or medical challenges. We heard about the "lying on the couch all day" depth of depression; the "I'm so scared of what drinks and drugs she uses" fear; and of the day to day dynamics of the family with a "special child". Toward the end of the evening, a dad in the group said, "And then we get all the

Christmas cards telling us how great everybody else's kids are doing!" A swirl of empathic energy filled the room. Everybody knew the feeling. Your college roommate's son just graduated from a top Ivy League college. Your distant cousin's daughter has been elected captain of a winning soccer team. Your colleague's kids have both landed their first "big bucks" jobs.

My thoughts went to memories of my mother. My family had various challenges over the years - not exactly the stuff of Christmas card notes. Yet my mother has always been one to celebrate others' successes - a wonderful trait. But sometimes it was hard when those "everybody-in-the-family-has-done-great-things-this-year" cards arrived in the mailbox. It was not about jealousy, and certainly not about wishing ill on anybody - but it was just hard.
   Yes, this is a time of year to celebrate the good in our families and in our lives.
   Yes, this is a time to catch up and hear about what our friends and relatives have been up to.
   Yes, sharing the high points of our year and the progress of our children is a good thing.

And let's do it in the spirit of recognizing the rich texture of life and the complexity of families. Let's do it from a place of compassion, and not in a context of competition. Let's share our stories with an appropriate feeling of pride, and a big dose of humility.

Happy Thanksgiving. May our gatherings of family and friends bring a chance for appreciation of the diversity of our stories and the uniqueness of each of our children.

Separate and/or Connected?

2009-11-17T19:57:00.000-08:00

I spent 3 days last weekend immersed in a spectacular conference put on by the Renfrew Foundation in Philadelphia. With howling winds and drenching rains outside, it was just the right time to be staying in a Marriott hotel for almost 72 hours.

One of the keynote addresses was given by Dr. Daniel Siegel (www.drdansiegel.com), who is known for his very exciting research illustrating the connections between our minds, our brains, and our relationships. Recently, his groundbreaking work shows how our brain structure actually changes in response to our interactions with other people.

As I sat among the hundreds of attendees during Dr. Siegel's presentation on Saturday morning, all kinds of metaphors and connections bubbled up in my thoughts. Dan Siegel is gifted in his ability to communicate complex scientific and intellectual material in a lively, humorous and memorable way. Using both the fancy scientific language of neuroscience, and everyday laypeople's terms, he described the importance of being both independent and connected, unique and part of a larger whole, autonomous and relational. The most intricate fibers of our brains need to be both differentiated and linked.  The same is true for us as human beings.

Of course this resonated for me on a couple of levels. Earlier in the week, I had spoken with a mother and her 16 year old daughter in my office. This very intelligent, driven, professional mom had brought her daughter with her this time so we could all talk together about how to cope with stress. As the young woman described the typical challenges of being a teenage female in today's social and academic realms, she cried and cried and cried. Her mom explained that she just wanted to help her learn ways to cope when she is on her own, so that she can be able to live well when she is separate from the family. The young girl, with tears streaming down her cheeks and reaching for tissues, said, "But I don't want to be separate from you!"

Many of us grew up believing that boys were supposed to separate and be independent, and that young women were somehow supposed to stay connected. And as I psychologist, I certainly learned about differentiation, that process where the young adult considers how he or she wants to be similar to or different from the family of origin. If the truth were to be told, I would guess that young men actually would like to feel more connected to their families, and that young women would like to feel more independent. And that all of us would like to feel both!

So when Dan Siegel talks about the importance of both dependence and independence, uniqueness and connection, maybe we need to remember the essence of his work, which is that we need both. Our brains need both. Our own lives need both, in all kinds of ways. And let's show our kids that they need both.


As always, I hope you will share your stories.

'Tis the Season....

2009-11-04T14:28:00.000-08:00

Well here we are coming up on the holiday season again. The malls will fill up, the making and baking will begin, and some of us will even paint a room or buy a new piece of furniture before the visiting relatives arrive. But underneath all of these visible signs, most of us look ahead to these next couple of months with some combination of emotions and challenges regarding our relationships, usually our family relationships. Your 23 year-old son is coming home and still doesn't have a job. Your daughter hasn't been communicating with you at all lately - what will you say to each other? And how will you explain these developments to the grandparents? Family gatherings during the holidays often challenge us to engage with folks who bring out the less likable parts of ourselves, as well as those who bring out the best in us.

So who do you want to be in your family during this holiday season? What kind of energy do you want to bring into the room - negative energy or positive energy? Is there space for acceptance or reconciliation? What does this mean for you during this season? Here are four steps to consider as you anticipate your holiday gatherings:

Try to have realistic expectations. Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at the University of Washington, encourages “making friends with reality.” Have realistic expectations of what can change and what cannot. This might include learning to live with hurt or pain, and even allowing it to be the catalyst for a transformation of some kind. This way of approaching a family event may lead to less disappointment and some nice surprises!

Use your emotional intelligence. Notice your feelings and manage them in healthy ways. Our emotions give us good information about ourselves, but it is best not to act on all of them. Notice other peoples’ emotions, too. Can you understand why they might feel the way they do? Can you experience both detachment and empathy in your relationships?

Be values-based. What are your most important values? How are you acting on them or honoring them in your interactions and behaviors? As we get older we are called to greater depth, integrity and honesty. When you look within, what is really important? Is your demeanor aligned with your core values? Are you walking the talk?

Lighten up! Is there a chance that you can walk away from this year’s family gathering and say, “Wow! That was fun!”? Think about what would need to happen in order for you to have those feelings. What steps can you take to make this a possibility?

Imagine the even greater possibilities if you share these thoughts with others! Embrace the goal of making this holiday season even just a bit more enjoyable than you had anticipated. And use this blog to share your ideas for the benefit of others!

Thoughts on Writing

2009-10-26T08:19:00.000-07:00

Does it ever happen to you that a certain theme seems to enter your universe several times over the course of a day or two, and you find yourself wondering whether maybe you should be paying attention to it? Well that happened for me over the last few days.

The first time it came up was during our Parenting Twenty-Somethings group which was meeting on a Monday evening. Thirteen of us were sitting around a circle, sharing our experiences related to communication with our twenty-something sons and daughters. One dad told the group about his practice of sending a "real" note of some kind (yes, through the U.S. mail) each week to his son who was living away. The notes were not necessarily long or deeply thoughtful, but simply a touchpoint and way of connecting. Many months later when his son returned, the dad was touched to see that his son had saved all the notes and kept them wrapped up in an elastic for safekeeping. Certainly this note-writing had worked and made a difference in this father-son relationship.

The theme came back a second time when I was sitting with a client whose 29-year-old son is in a residential detox program. Her son told her in a phone call that he was going to be writing her a letter. Her eyes were teary as she told me, in a caring and loving tone, that she was going to set aside some time during the coming weekend to write to him, too. A lot of things had been spinning around in her thoughts, and she felt that if he is taking the time to write a letter to her, that she would do the same for him.

The letter-writing theme was coming at me from several directions. I woke up the next morning and decided I needed to write my own letter. I find that my thoughts flow most easily in the early morning, so with a cup of coffee and a blank pad of paper, I sat down to write as the sun was rising out the window.

What do you need to say to your young adult child? Or perhaps more importantly, what does he or she need to hear?

Is It Time For the Credit Card Talk?

2009-10-21T19:03:00.000-07:00

A mother recently told me this story about Jeff, her 25 year old son, and his first experience with a credit card.

Jeff knew that he was not great at managing money and paying bills, so he found a card with a $500 credit line. He thought this was just perfect given that he was working in a restaurant and had a “variable” income. As it turned out, Jeff used up his whole credit line within a few days. For the next two and a half years, Jeff made minimum monthly payments. He didn't understand when “all of a sudden” he owed over $800 on this card that had a $500 limit. Does this sound familiar? (Maybe the numbers in your story are much bigger!)

Thanks to the economic disasters of the last year, the Credit Card Act of 2009 will go into effect in several months. This will impact parents and young adults as they navigate the credit card maze. While the law has special requirements for those under 21, my own belief is that as parents we have an opportunity here to talk with our young adults of any age about the bigger picture of credit, debt, and financial management. Here are some pointers to consider in your conversations with your son or daughter:

What are credit cards and what are the wisest ways to use them?
What is interest? How does it accumulate?
Why are credit scores important, and where do they come from?
What purchases shouldn't go on a credit card?
What are appropriate spending limits on credit cards?

If you are sharing a credit card with your child, consider these facts: One is that twenty-somethings, and college students in particular, are found to put fewer purchases on a credit card if they are on their parents' card. Also, his/her credit rating will be influenced by the credit rating of the parent(s) – for better or for worse! If you are sharing a card, the following might be helpful:

Discuss your expectations for how the credit card is to be used.
Talk ahead of time about how much your child can charge on the card without a parent's permission.
If the credit card is to be used for emergencies, determine beforehand what "emergency" means.
Most of the major credit card issuers now offer services that can help parents monitor spending. You can sign up to get e-mail or text message alerts whenever the credit card is used or if purchases exceed a certain amount.
Talk to your son/daughter about ID theft and the importance of keeping the card and the card number safe. Discuss the importance of notifying the credit card issuer immediately if the card is lost or stolen.

If you are interested in doing further reading on this, go to http://www.creditcards.com/. To share your money related stories on this blog, feel free to add a comment.

5 Guiding Principles

2009-10-15T04:34:00.000-07:00

Several years ago I gave myself a little "sabbatical" to do some writing. This brief article was a product of that time, and I have been pleased to see that it has circulated around Boomer websites quite a bit since that time (eg. www.boomerous.com). In case you haven't seen it along the way, here it is again. Take a look and let me know how you are doing in these areas.

Five guiding principles which will help you to maintain healthy relationships with your sons and daughters through their third decade of life:

Accept differences. A healthy young adult goes through a process of “differentiation,” as he discerns how he wants to be similar to his family, and how he wants to be different. Allow, accept, and welcome your young adult’s unique ways, as long as they are safe and healthy. It can be eye-opening to look back at how you went through the process yourself!

Cultivate a mutual relationship. In earlier stages, the parent child relationship was hierarchical, in that the parent(s) had control. Through the adolescent years, that vertical relationship began to shift toward a more mutual, or horizontal relationship. Be aware of the tone and content of your communication, and try to keep it on a level playing field. Not parent to child, but adult to adult.

Be curious. Expressing an appropriate curiosity about your daughter’s life shows that you are interested in who she is, and that you want to know her as her own person. Engage her in conversations about her work, her school, her relationships, her home. Being curious is a good thing, being nosey isn’t!

Let go. We hear this all the time these days. What does it mean in this stage of parenting? Letting go of the need to control, letting go of attachment to a particular outcome, or letting go of an emotional reaction and trying to be a bit more detached. (Yes, this one is hard!) Trusting, deep breathing, and humor are all valuable in this effort

“Give some grace". This phrase comes from Empty Nesting, by David Arp et al. The challenge here is to tolerate small irritations and be accepting of your son or daughter as a whole person with some imperfections. Forgiving mistakes and understanding alternative points of view help parents to focus on successes and positive traits. And don’t we all hope for the same from those close to us?

Which one of these is your biggest challenge? Share your thoughts by clicking on the Comment link.

Why Is It So Different...And What Is "Normal" Now?

2009-10-13T07:29:00.000-07:00

“My parents lived a totally different reality. They were married and expecting a child when they were my age. I want them to understand my struggles.” These words of a 24 year-old young woman speak volumes. So do these words, spoken by a mom of a 26 year-old young man: “We don’t know how to be parents now. We don’t know what we’re supposed to do.”

Clearly things are not as they used to be. Mothers and fathers worry about their son’s mysterious lifestyle, about their daughter’s poor eating habits, about drug and alcohol use, about out of control spending and astounding debt. Our sons and daughters are living with all these challenges, and more, in the years between high school or college and the time they turn 30.

Twenty-somethings are getting jobs, losing jobs, falling in love and falling out of love, living away and moving back home. They are self-sustaining in some ways, and dependent in others. They are living in both “extended adolescence” and “early adulthood.” It seems like it is taking longer for our kids to “grow up” than it used to. In 1960, 65% of men and 77% of women had finished school, left home, gotten married, had a child, and reached financial independence by the age of 30. In 2000, only 31% of men and 46% of women had done the same by the same age.
Many of our twenty-somethings are doing well by most standards, with steady incomes, solid social supports, healthy family relationships, and perhaps a committed relationship or even a child of their own. Others seem unmoored, without committed work, partners or homes. Still others are struggling to live with financial debt, serious mental health issues, eating disorders, unhealthy relationships, and addictions. The spectrum of lifestyles is broad, and the range and depth of emotional experience is great.

Many of us, being sons and daughters of the 60's and 70's, have brought up our own families with different rules, less discipline, a new language, and more open communication than what we knew in our own childhood. Children today have been given thousands of choices to ponder - from which cereal, to which summer camp, to which jeans, to which college. At the same time they have grown up with the pressures of air-brushed celebrities and models challenging them to live impossibly beautiful lives. In some cases, they have grown up in communities and social circles which present them with an astounding and potentially overwhelming array of both possibilities and expectations. During the twenty-something years, it is as if they are going into the dressing room with a big pile of clothes, trying on a whole array of colors and styles, hoping that they will be able to choose one or two that “fit.”

The world of our twenty-somethings is notably different from the world in which we grew up. The technological, political, environmental and social influences on the lives of our children are noteworthy. The cultural context in which today’s twenty-somethings are living is so very different from the society in which we grew up. Globalization, technology, relational, economic and psychological factors all present a new set of challenges and lifestyles. Mobility and geographical distances have altered family dynamics. Divorce is widespread. Family and gender roles have shifted. Parents retire to Arizona, the Carolinas, even Mexico and Europe. Children and grandchildren may live thousands of miles away. Our connections with each other are often by cell phone, voice mail, email, Facebook and Skyping. Relationships have taken on all sorts of different forms. Economic volatility and excess are a part of our culture. Career paths have taken on unpredictable directions. Psychological challenges are commonplace among adults and children alike.

I don’t believe there is a normal for twenty-somethings in today’s society. As parents and as a society, we want so much to understand and make sense of this seismic shift. We are challenged to look through a new set of lenses. We are straining to see more clearly. It is time to think in new ways about this stage of life. The hopes and expectations of twenty-somethings have changed significantly over the last couple of generations, and as parents we need to adjust accordingly.

Today's twenty-somethings are asking their families and our society to respect their need for time and space and freedom as they gradually develop to the point of a mature independence. We are being asked to listen and to parent in new ways.
And this can be a good thing. We are being challenged to think outside the box, move out of our comfort zones, and live with the belief that we can enrich our parent-child relationships and our individual lives in wonderful ways.

An Introduction

2009-10-12T07:11:00.000-07:00

This blog has been welling up within me for quite a while now. Within the last couple of months, a confluence of events has brought it to fruition. Of course one thing was seeing Julie and Julia, which inspired the idea of blogging as a discipline. Next is my personal and professional desire to get myself out there in advance of the book I am working on, The Odyssey Years: A Guide for Parents of Twenty-Somethings. Finally and most important of all is the tremendous need of so many parents out there who have twenty-something sons and daughters, and find themselves feeling alone in the surprise and challenge of it all. You are not alone! It is my hope that this blog will be a place for support, dialogue, education, new perspectives, and of course some humor along the way.

I will start with a brief introduction. I am a psychologist, and have been practicing in schools, colleges and private practice for over 20 years. I love my work, and learn countless things about life from my clients, young and older. More recently I have been doing some coaching of people in the second half of life, and am now spending increasing amounts of time writing articles, researching for my book, and now look forward to adding blogging to the mix.

If the walls of my office could speak, they would be able to relate hundreds or perhaps thousands of conversations which illuminate the questions and struggles of our young adults and their families. Both of these groups, the parents and the twenty-somethings, ache to be understood. They want to have permission to talk about the things they think about and worry about. They are going through their respective stages of life in new ways, different from anything we have seen before. And above all they want to understand each other.

The most important part of my life is my own family, which includes my husband of 32 years and our two 20-somethings, Josh who is 26 and Christine who is 24. It goes without saying that my own experiences as a mom to these two great kids is a huge force in my passion for this part of life. Josh and Christine have deep similarities and life foundations. They also live quite different lives from each other, each following their values and dreams.

I have recently started up a new discussion group for parents of twenty-somethings, and with their permission will use some of their wise and universal thoughts in this blog. An intial brainstorming of "conversations to have together" filled up two big pages of newsprint. We will be talking about relationships, communication, living at home, what to say to the grandparents, our own internal struggles as parents, and of course issues of physical and emotional health. And that's only the beginning.

Your comments and stories are welcome. Please join us for the ride!

For more information about my work and projects, please go to http://www.susaneallen.net/.