Who Do You Want To Be This Holiday Season?

This is an article I wrote several years ago, but it continues to be quite timely during this season.  Please share your own thoughts and challenges...


Several years ago, my husband and our college age children and myself gathered for a Christmas dinner around a big table in the home of out-of-state relatives.  The details are not particularly important here, but what is important is that when the four of us left to drive home, we apparently couldn’t wait to get in the car and let out a collective and negative “Ahhhhh!!!”  While the food was great, and we all had more than enough, the mood during the day had been very different than what we would have hoped for on this day of peace and joy and giving.  We slipped into disappointment, negativity, even judgment.  We criticized one cousin for talking about himself the whole time, expressed anger at distasteful comments, and generally agreed with each other that this was not a pleasant time for us.  I will always remember that meal, and in the years since then I have not been proud of my own reactions to it. In fact, some of those cousins and aunts and uncles present may well have been just as critical of our ways.  

This is not unusual among families.  It doesn’t take a professional to realize the heightened emotional energy that many of us feel at various family gatherings.  Weddings.  Summer vacations.  Thanksgiving.  Christmas.  Hanukkah.  There is arguably nothing more predictable in the field of mental health than the stresses and emotional upheaval which present themselves every November and December.  As we get older, there are even more new challenges during the holidays.  Aging parents.  Parents or siblings who have died.  New “significant others” in the lives of sons and daughters.  Children who have grown and moved away and are not able to be at home for the holidays.  Perhaps the pain of divorce or the energy of a newly blended family.   

We are challenged over and over again to face difficult relationships along with the easier ones.  We are challenged to engage with folks who bring out the less likable parts of ourselves as well as those who bring out the best in us.  We are challenged to seek reconciliation and acceptance, as well as to feel gratitude.

So who do you want to be in your family in this season?  Our adult development calls us to greater depth, integrity, and honesty.  What does this mean for you during these several weeks?  Here are four steps to consider as you anticipate your holiday gatherings:

Try to have realistic expectations.  Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at the University of Washington, encourages “making friends with reality.”  Have realistic expectations of what can change and what cannot.  This might include learning to live with hurt or pain, and even allowing it to be the catalyst for a transformation of some kind.  This way of approaching a family event will likely lead to less disappointment and some nice surprises!

Use your emotional intelligence.  Notice your feelings and manage them in healthy ways.  Our emotions give us good information about ourselves, but it is best not to act on all of them.  Notice other peoples’ emotions, too.  Can you understand why they might feel the way they do?  Can you experience both detachment and empathy in your relationships?

Be values-based. What are your most important values?  How are you acting on them or honoring them in your interactions and behaviors?  As we get older we are called to greater depth, integrity and honesty.  When you look within, what is really important?  Is your demeanor aligned with your core values?  

Lighten up!  Is there a chance that you can walk away from this year’s family gathering and say, “Wow!  That was so much fun!”?  Think about what would need to happen in order for you to have those feelings.  What steps can you take to make this a possibility? 

Imagine the even greater possibilities if you share these thoughts with others!  Embrace the goal of making this holiday season even just a bit more enjoyable than you had anticipated.

Wishing you all peace, health and joy in the year ahead. 

"What Is It About 20-Somethings?": A Response

I am heartened to see the publicity being given to the topic of "our 20-somethings."  The most recent, and among the most widely visible, article came out today in the New York Times Magazine.  In  "What Is It About 20-Somethings?"  Robin Marantz Henig presents a comprehensive and well-researched piece which highlights Jeffrey Arnett's "emerging adulthood" stage of development.  She also raises some thoughtful questions about how parents and society might adapt to the changing lives and needs of our 18-30 year old sons and daughters.

Henig says, "We have come to accept the idea that environmental influences in the first three years of life have long-term consequences.....Is it time to place a similar emphasis...on enriching the cognitive environment of people in their 20's?"  I am not sure exactly what this would look like, but it is a very intriguing question.  What would my husband and I do to provide a fertile atmosphere for our kids at this stage (even though they both live many miles away from us)?  Would we ask different questions when we talk to them on the phone?  Would we present different opportunities?  Or fewer maybe?  Would we handle the financial questions differently?  Food for thought.

The second question I found myself asking was, "What are some of the ways our society can respond to the findings of studies such as Arnett's and the Network on Transitions to Adulthood?"  They are telling us a lot about what 20-somethings are thinking, what their hopes and values and challenges are.  Many in this age group have given to others as they have gone through this exploratory time.  My own daughter spent a year in Arizona doing volunteer work for low-income populations in the Tucson area.  Others have joined Americorps, CityYear, or the Peace Corps.  How can we do better at tapping the energy of this generation in a way that fills needs for other parts of our society?

Finally, I was left with a question which lives in the forefront of my work on a daily basis.  We all want to be understood.  Whether we are 25 or 55, we like to feel that our parents are able to understand some of the important parts of our lives.  How does this Times article help me to understand my children better?  Which parts are relevant to the experiences of our family?  And how can I use this to understand others?

Unfortunately when I read the comments posted on the blog connected to Henig's article, I notice that many of them were quite negative or sarcastic for one reason or another.  Yes, this is the price of publication.  But there is wisdom here, and it is my hope that when you read it you will find inspiration and some good ideas.

Please share your comments, ideas, questions and hopes...

Getting Back in Touch!

I have been in absentia for a couple of months, with various family activities which are typical for many of us in these years: needs of aging parents, planning a great wedding weekend for our daughter and now son-in-law, and spending a week of vacation with three or four generations of extended family. I'm happy to find that coming out of the other end of all of that, I am feeling extra good energy for connecting and writing about the surprises, challenges and joys of parenting our 20-something kids.

For starters, here's an opportunity to participate in a survey and interview for Dr. Jeffrey Arnett, a professor at Clark University who is working on a book for parents of "emerging adults".  He has authored several books, including Emerging Adulthood, which I have recommended in an earlier blog.  His insights and intelligent, new ways of understanding our sons and daughters are comprehensive, validating, and helpful.  

Take a look at the survey, and maybe you'll be included in his book!

Parents of Emerging Adults Survey

www.surveymonkey.com

College Grad Wisdom

Do you have a son or daughter graduating from college this year?  It is a challenging world for our kids, and these two pieces give us a window into their world.  One is an interview I heard on NPR this week,"Jobs for College Grads", and the other is an article published on the American Psychological Association website, "Off Campus and Into the Real World".  


http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=127092817
http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/real-world.aspx


How does this compare to when you graduated?

Casting Call for 20-Something Families!

I received an email yesterday which some of you might find interesting.  A woman from a casting company in LA wrote to ask me if I could recommend to her some families who might be interested in being filmed for a "docu-soap" about 20-somethings who are still living at home.  When I spoke with her on the phone, she made it clear that they are not looking for experienced actors, but for real life families.  Here are some excerpts from the "job description" she sent to me after our call:


For 20-Somethings:

Doron Ofir Casting (who brought you Jersey Shore!) and 495 Productions are putting together a new show, and we're looking for the people that have something to prove and nothing to lose. You were waiting for your moment to break out and this is it. If you're over 25 and living with your parents, we want to hear from you! Let's face it, you're not getting any younger. Live it up while you still can!

Send us your NAME, PHONE NUMBER, LOCATION, 2 PHOTOS, DESCRIPTION OF LIVING SITUATION (Who do you live with?) and a BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF YOURSELF to: LivingArrangementsCasting@gmail.com

For Parents:

Doron Ofir Casting is looking for parents whose children are 25+ and still live at home for an all new documentary series about family, responsibility, and living life to its fullest. If this sounds like your boy or girl, we want to hear from you!

Send us your NAME, PHONE NUMBER, LOCATION, 2 PHOTOS, PICTURE OF SON/DAUGHTER, and a DESCRIPTION OF YOUR LIVING SITUATION to: LivingArrangementsCasting@gmail.com


Now's your chance!  Good luck!

Building Healthy In-Law Relationships: Part 2

Olivia Slaughter and Jean Kubelun's book, Life As A Mother-In-Law: Roles, Challenges, Solutions, has won a Next Generation Indie Book Award. I have had the opportunity to interview Olivia.  Here is Part 2 of our conversation.


SA: Let’s talk a little bit about whether difficult in-law relationships can heal.  I know from my own experience that it has helped to accept the limits of the relationship, to try to find points of positive connection, and to be open to greater compassion which comes with the passage of time. 

Olivia: Relationships with mothers-in-law often improve with age. People in their 40s,50s, and 60s are more likely to get along equally with their own mothers and in-laws while those in their 20s and 30s  usually prefer their own mothers. As we mature, maybe some of the earlier gnarly issues mellow and take on a different perspective. And so do the individuals

Building Healthy In-Law Relationships: Part 1

Olivia Slaughter and Jean Kubelun have written a great resource not only for mothers-in-law, but for family relationships in general. Their book, Life As A Mother-In-Law: Roles, Challenges, Solutions, has won a Next Generation Indie Book Award. I have had the opportunity to interview Olivia, and our conversation will be presented here in several entries over the next several weeks.  Here is the first installment.


SA: The in-law relationship is always a work in progress. What are some ideas to help parents and sons and daughters-in-law to stay connected through the ups and downs, to navigate these important family ties in healthy ways?

Olivia: When you think about it, aren't ALL relationships